Thursday, December 19, 2013

Confessions of a Music Pastor

Confession #1:
I've been in professional counseling for the last nine months
Confession #2:
It's been one of the best things I've ever done

Actually, today was my last day with my counselor.  "Terminating the client" they say.  Wow, it sounds like some silver dude with an accent should come out and point a gun at my head.  But instead, it was a really good session.  Joyful even.  This doesn't mean I'm fixed, or that I won't need counseling again in the future, I'm just done for now.

Some things I've learned these last nine months:
1.  I have the most amazing wife on the planet and I love her with every fiber of my being!
2.  I'm waiting on God (and I HATE it)
3.  I am not what I do

It hasn't been easy.  In fact, it's been excruciating.  Opening up and actually talking about myself does not come easy for me.  I've never thought I was a good conversationalist to begin with, and after all, who would ever want to know what I'm thinking.  I'm really not that interesting.  Being honest about everything from thoughts on God, career, calling, depression, purpose, temptations, etc. is not something we do very often in the "real world."  But we should.

One thing that has come out of this is a closer and more intimate relationship with my wife, Cindy.  She is an amazing person.  Of course, I've always known that - I asked her to marry me because of that!  Throughout this process, we've had sessions of our own.  Many have ended in tears.  Many have ended with a feeling of not knowing what to do next.  But all have ended up with us growing stronger as a couple.  I am blessed because of this - I'm not naive enough to think that this is always the way things go.

I was reminded today that I need to write more (obviously, that's the purpose of a blog, and if you count the number of my entries, my consistency hasn't been great).  I've been afraid what honest writing would bring about.  But I'm finding more and more people who share my own struggles.  And I know that we were created to do life together, not alone.  So here goes.  Unmasked.

'Till we meet again...

I read this next quote from Oswald Chambers in another blog I read somewhere.  It's sad, but it also brings me hope.
    "From that day on for four years, nothing but the overruling grace of God and the kindness of friends kept me out of an asylum.
     God used me during those years for the conversion of souls, but I had no conscious communion with Him. The Bible was the dullest, most uninteresting book in existence, and the sense of depravity, the vileness and bad-motiveness of my nature was terrific."
– from Oswald Chambers: Abandoned to God


3 comments:

  1. Love you more and more every day Kiddo. God is always at work in our lives, sometimes it's clear, sometimes muddy, sometimes joyful, sometimes agony, but one thing is certain, He is always there and He always loves you, so do I.

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  2. You're not alone. Thanks for sharing.

    Paula (this is my cat's blog)

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